Glorious weather at the weekend so we spent a late afternoon napping in the park after I was given the afternoon off by Stu and went to see the Bourne Ultimatum with Sarra (great movie- go see!). Well, some of us napped in the park. Some of us were too busy looking incredibly cute in a summer dress and hat from Aunty Lynn, and being utterly fascinated by the leaves in the trees above and the movement of light and shade.

I think our little lady is having a growth spurt. She has started to spend the nights feeding every two hours after midnight, and then eating every hour during the afternoon and early evening. It is, frankly, exhausting. But it won't last for more than two weeks apparently and then I can just go back to being completely shattered but functioning as opposed to unable to string two words together coherently, having the memory capacity of a goldfish, and bursting into tears at cute puppies galavanting around on toilet paper ads.

But, briliantly, Sophia is just starting to smile. And when your beautiful little girl smiles at you for the first time... now that's a 'first' I will never forget. Cathy came over yesterday and Sophs gave her a smile too! I can't wait til Sophs starts cooing and making more baby noises so she can talk back to me :)

Sleeeeeeep.....need.....slee..zzzzzzzzzzzz

I got asked what my baby boy's name was when Sophia was wearing this outfit!! I thought the pink stripey pants conformed to the unwritten societal code of 'girls wear pink and boys don't' but apparently not!

Speaking of unwritten codes, I heard last week that a private golf course in south London has formed a sock committee, yes that says 'sock' committee, to document what colour and size socks its members can wear on the green. Apparently there was too much confusion before the committee was formed, but now it's all crystal clear. Short and dark socks, or long and white socks. Ah lifestyles of the rich and idle...!

Another day of firsts on Wednesday (lots of those as new parents :) ) - Sophs' first train trip with Stu and I; the registering of Soph's birth at the Camden Town Hall ('I'm not a number, I'm a free baby!') - she is now officially recognised as existing by the British government and has her relevant medical and reference numbers; a trip to the pub (now smoke free) and then out to an early dinner at the local posh burger joint for our first family dinner to celebrate my first birthday as a Mum (and thanks to the British Government for my birthday present - now that Soph's birth has been registered I can claim child benefits! And I can apply for Aussie citizenship/passport for my babe too).

Sophs was an angel, slept through dinner after a feed in the pub (am slowly getting the hang of this public feeding thing with strategically draped cloths like in this pic, though it still freaks me out quite a lot with people staring when I feed - I try to face a wall or sit where people can't see me!). I was absolutely shattered by the time we got home, and have spent today in my PJs not leaving the flat and resting, resting, resting, watching DVDs and sleeping sleeping sleeping in 30 - 90 minute segments when Soph's slept throughout the day. I can go out or have visitors on one day (and therefore miss napping when Sophia does) but I've found that if I don't then spend the next day quietly at home it leaves me really trashed and not functioning particularly well. I'm sure my energy levels will continue to grow over the next few months, but for now I need to accept that I'm still not physically at 100% and that the sleep deprivation contributes towards this.

Stu is taking really good care of Sophia and I, and made sure I had a really lovely day yesterday. I am so enjoying his being on leave with us, although we've almost finished one week, but at least there's one more week to go!

Time for sleep again....

Stu took Sophs and kicked me out of the flat this afternoon - the concept of 'me time' without anything non-Sophia-related or specific to do felt completely weird! I have been so immersed in Sophia World it felt just so odd not to have her in my arms or be within 10 metres of her listening out for snuffles and little 'come and get me mummy' cries. I made sure Stu had milk to feed Sophs, ran through her different cries and how he should respond to them (poor boy! 'Jodie - just go, we'll be fine') and hopped on the bus to Brent Cross. I ended up buying things for Sophia, not for want of trying to buy clothes for me! We have a BBQ this Sunday with the couples from our antenatal group, and I was hoping to find an outfit to wear that wasn't maternity, as I don't fit most of my old clothes unless they are verrrry stretchy. No such luck! My boobs are the size of a small country and nothing, and I mean nothing fits or doesn't look obscene. Oh well! Maternity it is! I wandered around feeling as though I had forgotten something, and kept looking into all the prams and strollers and admiring all the babies around the place. My brain has well and truly turned to baby mush and for now, I wouldn't have it any other way :) I do have half an eye on the future though. My uni paperwork has come through and I'll be returning to classes in January to finish 3rd year. That's if I can pull together enough brain cells to complete and return the paperwork!

Sophia, aged ONE MONTH old - where on earth did 4 weeks vamoose to? I swear we only came home from the hospital a few days ago...

It's been, and continues to be such an incredible journey. Every day brings something new, joyous, challenging, it's becoming such a rich varied experience as Sophia stays awake for a little bit longer and starts to respond to Stu and I with facial expressions and snuggling into us. Although, I don't think I will ever really get used to sleeping in 1 - 4 hour slots around the clock whenever Sophia sleeps. It's something you learn to manage and you do adapt, but after the nights of only 3 hours sleep in total between the hours of midnight and 9am all bets are off as to what state I am in!

One thing I didn't realise about being a new Mum is how much you are observed and watched. It begins in the hospital, and behind the observation sits judgement and opinion. Is she bonding with her baby? Is she feeding her well? Is she caring for her well? Is she (the dreaded phrase) a good Mother? Every time you invite people into your home, or go out into the world people are watching and judging you as a Mother. And at times it's terrifying. I've never done this before and we've spent the past month making it up as we go along. I am so glad I banned visitors for the first two weeks as I recovered; I think if people had been in my face telling me what to do, or to do things differently when I was in that physically weakened state, it would have destroyed my burgeoning confidence in my ability to mother my little girl in the way that is right for us. I think people forget that - their experience worked for them, but it doesn't necessarily mean it's what's best for Stu, Sophia and I. And you know what? I think we're doing a great job, all things considered.

Everyone has an opinion, whether they vocalise it to your face, behind your back, or sit quietly and think they are holding their tongue when in fact their disapproval is written across their face! Some people feel they need to thrust their opinion onto you (you are doing it wrong/ do it this way), others offer advice circuitously (we did it this way) , others offer advice in a more sensitive way (have you thought about trying ___? It might help you with ___) , whilst others observe and leave us be. On the whole I do listen (and then often discard) the advice/opinion dumped onto my lap, but on occasion, I do have a fiery retort! Don't take it personally if you've been on the receiving end of one of these, I'm very protective of my little cub and our den!

The lady now sleeps, and so must I after feeds and then settling at midnight, 3 am, 5am and 9am...

Young babies LOVE staring at primary colours, and this Hello Kitty handkerchief fits the bill perfectly! After the morning feeds Sophs gets popped into her cot for 10 minutes or so and has a fabulous time staring at the colours (giving me time to dash to the loo or have a super quick shower without having to juggle a crying baby in one hand!) . Her Aunty Claudia also gave Sophs a fabulous soft book entirely in black and white which Sophia can't take her eyes off either, it's an excellent baby distractor/developer :)

A family shot taken in the cafe on a beautiful Saturday afternoon :)

Soph's was so beautiful this morning, she turned her little face into my neck, and I could feel her warm little breath on my skin, and smell her post-feed milkiness as she made sweet little snuffling noises while drifting off to sleep. It was a moment of pure perfection and contentment, everything was right and pure and there was nothing more that I could have needed or wanted at that moment.

We've just had the loveliest afternoon nap together in bed. Lying with my body curled protectively around her, one hand stroking her forehead which calms her. I don't know about Sophia but after 90 minutes of sleep I'm feeling much better!

Our dearest precious little girl, 3 weeks and 2 days old on Daddy's shoulder. This was taken at about 11.30pm last night as we were heading towards the tail end of settling a very tired little girl who just would not close her eyes and go to sleep. It was a very long 5-6 hours I can tell you, and then she woke for her 3am-ish and 5am-ish feeds as per normal! Overtired little ones are very hard to settle! And overtired Mummies tend to get a bit teary!

The past few weeks have been a complete blur. Days merge into each other, I often have no idea what day of the week it is, I am just immersed in Sophia World, relishing being with her, marvelling at her creation, meeting her needs as they arise, getting to know her little personality as it begins to emerge, trying to take care of myself and Stu in amongst it all as well.

Stu went back to work last Monday and Sophs and I went to a Baby Cafe (mum's group) for some breastfeeding help, then a lovely lovely friend spent most of Tuesday with us showing us immense, humbling kindness and doing all the housework, making me lunch, taking Sophs so I could sleep, being so unbelievably generous and loving with her time and energy (thank you Sonya). Wednesday was our first day at home together, and I managed a shower around 5.30pm, no lunch, and have no idea where the day went! My wonderful doula was with me on Thursday showing me all sorts of things to help with caring for Sophs, and then Friday we went to lunch with the ladies from my antenatal class! It was surreal to see 5 other new Mums with their babies as the last time I saw them we were all heavily pregnant, but it was so happy, and so so helpful and supportive to talk to each other about all the things we are going through and to find out that everyone else is going through something similar. We swapped tips and advice and I think most of us left with a huge sense of relief that we aren't alone. We have lunch again this Friday, and are expecting 9 mums and bubs this time! We're going to take over the cafe ;)

We had our first load of vistors at the weekend, I had previously banned visitors as I was just so not physically up to it after the blood loss. Sophs was a perfect little angel and left everyone saying what a good baby she is as she slept and fed so easily. Then came the night when everyone had left... ;) I did try to tell people that every day is different, heck, every hour is sometimes totally different, but I don't think they quite believed me!

Stu is back at work just for this week and then is on leave again for 2 weeks from next week, and we can't wait! I think we might try a trip on the tube together, see how Sophs goes with it. I can't keep taking taxis!! Though, we did have our first bus trip today to the local shopping centre, about 10 mins away, to meet Shosh and baby Ori for lunch. It was our first trip on public transport together and all went well, yay! So, hehehe, I know I can now get to the shops really easily, and there's loads of baby shops at Brent Cross....! My shopping exile of the past 3 - 4 weeks is soon to be over woohoo! Plus, I totally love the attention Sophia gets, people stop me to ask how old she is, to comment on how much hair she has, and to tell me how beautiful she is. And I just soak it all up :D My bella bambina is truly beautiful (but I already knew that)!

My little sleeping frog...Sophs loves sleeping with her legs in this position! This was taken in the park a few days ago. It's almost 4am at the moment, Sophs has just had her 3am feed, and today has gone straight back to sleep after the feed, no settling required, which is a HUGE step! Doesn't happen every 3am feed I can tell you, there's often much rocking/patting/ssshssshshshsh/walking of the hallway to resettle, but it's bloody marvellous when it does. I'm off to take advantage of the extra hour or so of sleep she is gifting me with!

By the way, I no longer fantasise about athletic men in Arsenal uniforms, oh no. All this new Mum has fantasies about is 8 hours sleep, all in a row....mmmmm, oh yeah baby. Heck, seeing as it's a fantasy, lets make it 10 hours sleep in a row... If you gave me a choice being the Arsenal men's changing room and 10 hours sleep the sleep would win, every single time. Ah precious zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...

Sophs in one of the outfits she received, my pretty little hot pink floral girl. This is her movie star outfit - we went to a Baby Cafe on Monday (mother's group type thing) for breastfeeding help and there was a film crew filming for a DVD about breastfeeding. I declined to be filmed feeding or interviewed (was a little too sore and tired for either of those) but I did let them film Sophs asleep on my chest afterwards and take photos of her. Apparently the film is going to be given to pregnant women as a promo for the benefits of breastfeeding, and to try to dispel some of the myths about it. We'll see if we make the final cut!

One of Soph's (and mine!) favourite napping positions! And I thought my boobs couldn't get any bigger, then my milk came in. Ah it's a whole new world this parenthood - breasts have a biological function other than to attract men! I am reassured that they will go back to the size they were, eventually, just like the rest of me. 9 months to put on, 9 months to take off...

Hello from Sophia! Babies do the cutest things with their hands sometimes :)

A first family photo of the three of us.











Many thanks to Doug the excellent photographer :-)

This is us in the cafe just over the road from our flat, enjoying a beautiful 30 degree Sunday afternoon...

Breastfeeding is great for weight loss I have to say, but I've still got a ways to go! I give myself at least 6-8 months before I'm back at a size 8. Er, size 10? Um, ok how about size 12? No? Oh ok size 14 then! Curvy in all the right places va va voom ;)

Caption for this pic: Utter contentment!

Not sure who's more content though, Sophes or me...

Our beautiful princess post-feed :)

If I had to give this post a name it would be 'very tired but VERY happy'! My life as a new Mum consists simply of not knowing what the day, or night, will bring, and learning to live with whatever my precious daughter needs at that moment in time. It is certainly not easy, but Sophia and I are starting to learn from each other, and I can now readily distinguish her 'feed me now please Mummy' urgent cry from other grizzly little sounds. She's the most beautiful little girl, Stu and I still can't believe how lucky and blessed we are to have her. She has turned our lives upside down, and we are still very much getting used to each other, but I'd say we are settling in really well overall.

I'm thinking about having a baby book bonfire, as they all seem to talk about this average baby who I am certain does just not exist. Sophia sometimes goes as little as 30 minutes between feeds, or as long as 5 hours. The past few days have been a more demanding regime of every 1 - 2 hours, and I feed her as she needs it. Yes, SHOCK, Jodie is demand-feeding her baby. Not very in vogue I know, all these routines you can try to get your baby on from the age of one week. I tried one of them vey briefly in which you space feeds by allowing 'spaced soothing' (read controlled crying, I don't care what they call it). I ended up crying as much as Sophia did after about one minute and profusely apologised to her, it just felt SO so wrong to leave my tiny sweetheart to cry out for food. She wasn't faking her hunger, I had the only thing that could nourish her and quench her thirst, so that's it with the routines for now. I am going to savour her falling asleep in my arms ("oh you should never do that, then they'll always expect it"), taking her into bed with me for a nap every other day ("oh my another bad habit you'll have to undo"), and feeding her when she is hungry. Not when she cries, but when she is hungry. I am learning that sometimes babies just cry. You change their nappy, you feed them, you burp them, you make sure they aren't too hot or cold, but sometimes they still just cry, so you pat and rock and walk and make reassuring little shhhhhshhhhhshhhhh noises until sleep finally comes along to soothe them. Unsolicited advice from every corner be damned. We will learn our way, in our own time, as we are our own people with our own relationships between us.

Sometimes I get as little as 3 hours broken sleep a night, sometimes as much at 5 or 6 hours in a row (now they are the ones I like!). This is life with a newborn, and it was never going to be a sleep-filled easy ride; it's quite the challenge at times. But Stu and I are so enjoying our little family, and are slowly adjusting to our new schedule. Stu has taken care of Sophs twice while I visited the osteopath and has the magic touch when it comes to settling her. Sometimes with me she'll keep just this side of the deep quiet sleep, but hand her to Stu and she's out for the count! He's brilliant with her. My wonderful husband and friend also sometimes takes her for a night feed when I'm getting too tired (I'm expressing milk into bottles) which allows me a few more hours of rest. Mornings are the best, afternoons can start to get tiring if I don't get to sleep when Sophs does (still working on this!) and evenings can be a right b*tch depending on how much sleep I've had during the night before and the during the day. Sleep deprivation really does mess with your head!! But, in the middle of it, sometimes in the middle of tears of tiredness, I can and do still remember somewhere deep down that in the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara, 'tomorrow is another day'. I know that come the dawn we'll have a new day and the mad moment I am in will be gone.

Stu is back at work next week for 2 weeks, before having another 2 weeks leave which I am already looking forward to. I am a little apprehensive but also a little bit looking forward to Stu going back to work, as it has been looming large with every passing day, and the only way I'll know how Sophia and I will get along just the two of us is by doing it. I think we'll be a-ok once we find our own rhythm. I've so far pretty much banned visitors as I recover, but next week I have lined up a few people to come and be with me a while on different days.

So, that's us! If I don't return your call or your email very quickly please forgive me, I'll get there! If I can do one or two non-baby things a day I consider that a major achievement. And this blog entry has been one of them!