Friday night last week I was lucky enough to have tickets to the last night of Prince's 21 night residency in London at the former Millenium Dome. And did it rock! Or rather 'funked out'! When one of your brass players used to lead James Brown's band you know you're going to be feeling the funk :) Prince played hit after hit after hit (Prince: "London - I've got too many hits") and brought the roof down with Kiss, Purple Rain (18,000 people with purple glow sticks jumping up and down in a frenzy of excitement!) and Let's Go Crazy, a rendition of Freak Out and an incomparable version of Nothing Compares to You, as well as a medley of hit after hit after hit that left you wondering just how many hit songs has this man had! I danced so much I hurt that next day!! Four encores later I wended my way back home humming Cream, Beautiful Girl, When Doves Cry, 1999, with a fading glow stick peeking out of my bag. What a night! But god was I extra-exhausted for the next two days - Sophs still needed her night feeds!!

Days become nights, nights become days, days become weeks, weeks become months, time... just... goes...

My precious little girl grows and changes so rapidly. We spend our days and nights mothering her, comforting her, listening to her, caring for her, loving her, keeping her near, showing her the world, being with her. Small hints of her independent will have started to emerge - she gets upset if she lies down when she's awake - she'd much rather be sitting propped up checking out the world. Upon waking from the night's sleep she reaches her dear little arms out to me and smiles from the cot knowing that I will then smile and coo and scoop her up into a big warm hug, in which she gently rests her still sleepy head on my shoulder and we inhale each other's presence.

There is this persistent notion I keep coming up against that we should train babies, put them on a routine requiring sitting at home most of the day, clock-watching, controlled crying and strictly regulated feeds. Whatever happened to a mother's instinct and her understanding of her baby that develops over the days and weeks and months you spend together? To listening to her baby's needs, and that some days she's hungrier than others? Is it so bad that I take Sophia into bed with me in the morning and she sleeps on her mummy pillow (who is also grateful for another hour's kip!)? That her bath and bed time are not at exactly the same time every night? That I take her out with me, letting her sleep in the stroller or my arms, including her in the vibrancy of my/our life rather than sitting in the quiet at home? Does it really matter that her day time sleeps are in different places depending on where we are? Sophia is so dearly loved, her needs and wants met as best I can, and kept physically close to me throughout the day, is that enough? Can I do more? It is no small thing to be a mother, working out what is right for you and your child, dodging the minefields of opinions and parenting advice!

All the fun of the fair! Last weekend a fair came to our park, complete with mini rollercoaster and other stomach-churning hair raising thrills for the brave/fearless/stupid! And to think I used to love love love rollercoasters and would go on them whenever possible - what happened?? I felt ill after a dozen turns on the gorgeous Victorian-era carousel with Sophia! My wooziness was quickly restored however with a mammoth freshly spun bundle of fairy floss. Ah it took me back to my childhood! That and the freshly made toffee apples :)

We ventured into the city for the first time to have lunch with Stu today in the park near his office. I say 'park'; it's actually a cemetery! Only in England would you find that a cemetery doubles up as the local open space! Given how densely situated the buildings are in the city I guess it's not surprising that any open space has, by necessity, multiple uses. William Blake, John Bunyan and Daniel Defoe (Robinson Crusoe author) are all buried here, in fact the last burial was in 1854 so it's one of those hauntingly beautiful old burial places with crumbling headstones and dappled sunlight tumbling onto the angels' wings atop the memorials. It was really lovely for Stu to see Sophs awake ona week day instead of in bed or eating!

It's so absorbing watching Sophia grow and change. She's awake more and more during the day and starting to make more little noises and trying to 'talk' to me when I'm babbling to her. I never thought I'd do the baby talk, but when you see your child respond to higher pitched singsong tones and fall asleep whenever you speak in your normal voice (as she does every time I'm on the phone and she's in my arms!) you tend to stick with the singsong tones. Especially when you're also rewarded with buckets of smiles to go with it!

A weekend outing to the park - finally worked out how to get Sophs in the baby carrier without her crying - face her outwards! She's a bit little and peers over the top, but she liked it enough to then fall asleep in it as we walked around. I totally love her little booties from Beth and Matt, they're for a 6 month old and waaaaay too big but I still put Sophs in them - they have little sheep faces on the front!

Sophs was allowed to watch her first 2 minutes of TV yesterday - the Wallabies Rugby World Cup game - on our new 37 inch flat screen TV. The household loyalties are already divided (note to self, dig out green and gold scarf for Sophs to wear during England games hehehe). God help us if England end up playing Australia again!

I take everything back I ever said about size not being everything - when it comes to glorious plasma flat screens it's all about the size! We toyed with the idea of the 42 inch but would have had to ditch our dining table to get the sofa far enough back to watch it! We've been researching which one to buy for months (we set aside some cash when we bought the flat) and finally got around to ordering it. The first TV they delivered last week had a shattered screen so we had to wait another week for this fabulous TV to arrive.

Someone said to me 'so what do you do all day?' and then said I was lucky not to be working; I think they thought I sloth about at home watching movies and surfing the internet all day long. I might not commute to paid employment at the moment but let me assure you I am 'working' harder than I ever have before, and instead of going home and forgetting about it, this new job is mine to attend to 24 hours a day, with virtually no respite!

So, this is how I spent the last 24 hours (don't try this at home kids!):

Wednesday -

2am feed, settle (I got back to sleep at about 2.45am, woke again at 5.45am - that was a long stretch of sleep for me)

6am feed, settle, take Sophs into bed with me, get back to sleep about 6.45am, wake around 7.30 and convince Sophs to go back to sleep again, wake again at 8.15 ( so that's about 90 minutes more sleep for me)

8.30am nappy change, nappy off time on the change table, lots of smiling, cooing, baby talk, interacting and playing with my little girl

9.30am feed, burp, then place Sophs on a pillow on my knees and play some more games with her (she's most alert in the morning). Put her on the playmat which buys me about ten minutes to scoff some cereal before she realises she's alone and starts making her 'come and get me I don't like this anymore' cries. Until about 10.30 I move her between playmat, my lap, her chair, my arms, talking, singing, tickling, kissing, holding, cradling, comforting, stroking, whilst doing things in between like the dishes, reading my email, trying to make phone calls. At the first sign of a yawn Sophs gets put into her cot to sleep. She whinges for a few minutes and I periodically go in and comfort her (pat her tummy, give her a kiss, give her a dummy, or if it's ramping up I'll pick her up and calm her before putting her down again). She falls asleep for around an hour and a half or so, and if she wakes before then I try to settle her again. While she is asleep I throw myself under the shower and then crawl back into bed for around 30 mins dozing with an ear out for her cries, in between checking email, making phone calls, thinking about dinner, putting a load of washing on/hanging it out/putting it away, reading the post, paying bills etc etc etc.

12.15pm nappy change, then long feed, burping, then more of the above. This nap is about an hour or so ish. Again, I am squeezing my life in around the minutes where I'm not attending to Sophs. During this feed I watch the Kath and Kim episode that Stu taped for me two days earlier.

3pm nappy change, feed, burping, then finally out the door to the cafe in the park for a coffee and to read a magazine while Sophs catches some afternoon zzzzs for a short time. She wakes up earlier than expected and I balance and rock her on one knee in the crook of my arm while drinking my coffee, turning the pages of the magazine, and chatting to her adoring public who comment on how little/beautiful she is! Keeping an eye on the clock I leave enough time for a walk through the park to bring us home in time for the:

5.30pm feed, nappy change and burp, then Sophs comes into the kitchen with me on her little chair and listens to some music I'm playing (JJJ Hottest 100!) while I start getting something ready for dinner. With dinner half prepared I then:

6.30 Run the bath for Sophs, sometimes I hop in the bath and we splash about together like I did last night. I make it a bit hotter than usual and the water a bit deeper, and glide her through the water on her back, and let her float with her head and upper body supported so she can kick her legs about. We both love it! Getting her out is a bit tricksy as she's as slippery as an eel, but I place a huge towel next to the bath and lean over and put her on it before then slowly getting out myself.

6.45 - 7.15 - dry myself and Sophs off, put on her bedtime cd, dress her, feed and burp her, put her in her baby sleeping bag then settle her for sleep which can take anything from 10 seconds to thirty minutes. When she's sleepy but not quite asleep she goes into her bassinet, I put the baby monitor on and leave the room.

7.15 - 10pm. Resettle Sophs whenever she cries, some nights it's as little as 3 times, other nights have been epic 5 -6 hour episodes. In between Stu comes home from work, we cook and eat dinner, watch some TV, catch up on things around the house, do the dishes, I'm generally totally zonked in the evenings.

9.30/10pm dream feed. Take Sophs out of bassinet and whilst still fast asleep give her a feed. This feed is lovely because she doesn't wake up and there's no settling afterwards! Straight back into her bed and back to sleep. Try to go to sleep myself around 10.30 - 11pm.

11-12 midnight - sometimes Sophs wakes wanting more food now, sometimes she holds off until around 2am - either way I don't get more than 3 hours sleep here. During her growth spurt she was wanting an extra 1 - 2 feeds between the hours of midnight and 8am, e.g. 1am, 2.30am, 4am, 7am, but thankfully that seems to be over now and she's gone back to two feeds between midnight and 8am!

Of course, every day is different!

Musings as a new Mum...

Rifling through my bag looking for my purse I first come across a tiny pair of socks just big enough to fit my large toe with Paddington Bear printed on them, a muslin for cleaning up baby sick (used), and a pretty green and pink floral baby rattle. I find my purse eventually.

I still couldn't tell you what day of the week it is half the time, never mind what date it is. If I've forgotten your birthday/anniversary/anything important I hope you'll forgive me. And if I've remembered it give me a round of applause!

No wonder the military uses sleep deprivation as a form of torture, it really is very effective at messing with your head. I'm still working out the balance between sleeping when Sophia is sleeping and doing the mountain of things that are starting to bank up with no one to hand them over to. I always catch at least one of her naps, it is often the difference between sanity and a tearful exhausted wreck, but I do need to sleep more and do less. God help me if I don't get any of her naps because I've been away from home, it's not a pretty sight that evening.

Life is entirely unpredictable and I have embraced it. Will Sophia feed every hour or every three hours today? How much sleep will she have? How much sleep will I get? When will I be able to shower? How long will it take me to eat my lunch today in between feeds, nappy changes, comforting, cuddling? When will I be able to duck online to check my email and read a news website (so I feel vaguely in touch with the outside world)? We make plans for the next day knowing that they might well be jettisoned when we wake up in the morning. Sophia has had a cold for a week so I've cancelled a few things and we spent several days on the sofa or in bed cuddling, feeding, snuggling, smooching, keeping her physically and emotionally close, loved and cared for.

Caring for a baby isn't just about meeting their physical needs, for me it's about being in the moment with her, giving her my full, undivided attention as often as I can and not being distracted by other things when she is in my arms. I want her to know that I am there for her, always.

When your child recognises and smiles at you, nothing comes close to the heart-melting beauty of that moment. Other people might be able to care for your baby, but you are the Mum, and you will always be the Mum, and no one can take that away from you. For the rest of my life I am a mother to my child. It's awesome :)

Stu, Sophs and cousin Amelia - we spent today with the entire Bell family to catch up with Hamish who is back in the UK on R&R as he is currently on deployment in Afghanistan and has been away for 22 weeks so far. It was the first time the English cousins had met each other and they were all so gentle and lovely with Sophia. I showed Arthur how Sophia loves fingers being run through her hair and later he apparently so tenderly ran his little fingers gently over her head that she fell asleep (I missed it as I was helping tidy up!). Amelia is growing up so fast and has turned into a little blondie after having quite dark hair when she was younger - I wonder if the same thing will happen to Sophia? Amelia was instinctively so gentle with Sophia as well, it was incredible - she slowly reached out and softly touched Sophia's cheek and hair, it was beautiful to watch.

Stu with Sophs at the British Museum on Friday... she'd had an osteopath appointment early afternoon about 15 minutes walk from the museum so we thought we'd go for a short visit and wandered around the Japanese section admiring the samurai armour and exquisite calligraphy, pottery, decorative items and artefacts. Sophs was great, grizzled a bit when she got hungry but a quick feed and she was back to admiring the lights illuminating the displays!