Since going back to work it's been....challenging. I hate rushing around in the morning and having no time to sit and be with my daughter. I hate watching her face crumple as she realises I am leaving her in nursery, seeing the tears roll down her cheeks as her sobs crescendo and follow me out the door and down the hallway. I hate having an hour or less when I pick her up, when she's so tired and grumpy that I feed and bathe her and put her straight to bed. And I know I'm 'lucky' to be working only a four day week, as I do have one precious whole day together with Sophs every week. But it's just not working for us. Something is going to change as soon as I can work a few things out.

Sophia is growing and developing at an amazing rate, Stu and I are near-constantly in awe as she copies us as well as doing new things that she's worked out how to do on her own. She walks everywhere now, having taken her first faltering steps the week before her first birthday, and has recently decided that she want to walk up and down the two floors worth of stairs every time we go out and come home. I usually hold her hand as she grips the railing but yesterday I was pushed away so she could attempt a descent under her own steam. She lasted three steps before very cutely proferring her hand to me for assistance! No idea where she gets her determination and stubborness from ;)

Sophia often tries to feed herself at meals now, and is trying so hard to imitate what we say in between gabbling earnestly in her own little language to us and her toys. She's also learned a few baby signs and we now communicate with a series of 'Do you want___?' questions to which she replies either yes or no. She understands so much, and can follow simple instructions ('Put X in Y; give X to Daddy; bring Y to Mummy). I hadn't realised how much children understand before they are able to speak with you.

She loves carrying her little handbags around and sometimes copies me by carrying them in the crook of her elbow. Their usual contents include her white plastic pony, her flip open tinkerbell mobile phone, a necklace or two and some maracaras or bells - just what any little girl needs!

I've seen a few mini tantrums as Sophia begins to explore the boundaries of her world and becomes frustrated when Stu or I inhibit an action or process that she wants to begin or continue with. They usually occur towards the end of the day when she is getting tired, and, I have to confess, are actually quite funny to watch! Stu and I really do need to work on our serious parent faces; the first time that Sophia shook her head 'no' at us in response to being asked to do something we both just fell about laughing. After 12 months of compliance and no real independent will it was quite a surprise!

Sophs loves running towards us and being scooped up in a big warm cuddle before being tipped upsidedown amidst peals of laughter. She loves being spun around in a circle, tipped over my shoulder, hanging upside down by her ankles, any which way up or down usually results in fits of giggles as she takes in the world from a new angle. Her delight in the world is contagious, and her sense of humour, although a little mysterious at times, also brings the familiar into a new light.

We continue to feel so blessed and happy to have Sophia in our lives, and still wonder whatever did we do to deserve such a beautiful, engaging, happy little girl who brings such joy and contentment and warmth of spirit wherever she goes. I can't wait until she starts talking!

I wish I could buy time. I don't have enough to be everything I want and need to be to everyone and to myself, to do all the things I want and need to do to live the life I want to live. It feels like I am constantly short changing the people in my life and myself. This perpetual state of 'not enough' and 'not just yet' and 'need more' grates continuously. But where is the solution? Still working on it...