So I think I'm finally getting the hang of being a Mum - I realised today that I haven't consulted a baby book for any major issues for several weeks now. I still check them for medical things (eg post-immunisation what to look out for; developmental milestones to make sure everything is going normally) and have started on the weaning books as I know next to nothing about it and it's on the horizon, but on the whole I am managing to be a Mum who has learned (and continues to learn!) to understand her child more often than not. A child, I might add, who is NOTHING like the babies talked about in all the baby books!

In the beginning it's all so new, everything is foreign and strange and I used the books to try to make sense of it, but time and again Sophia would not behave how the books said she was supposed to. Trying to follow a routine set down in a book - wake your baby to feed - have you ever tried to wake a baby in a deep sleep? It's near on impossible. You must give your child the first feed at 7am - erm, have you tried to feed a baby who isn't hungry (or wake them to feed?!)? You can't force a baby to take the breast. If your child wakes a short time before 7am only give them a half feed so you can feed them fully at 7am. Have you heard the racket a baby makes if their milk supply is taken away before they are finished??? Feeds/sleeps/playtime are supposed to be equally spaced, but Sophia likes to sleep more in the morning and spend more time awake in the afternoon (thank god she's not a morning person!). In the end I decided that I've taken 12 months off work to be a fulltime Mum, whatever that might entail, and that I would go with Sophia and let her develop her own cycles and routines, rather than impose some arbitrary timetable that is supposed to fit every single baby ever born. I do have a few loose guidelines, but only a few. I try to put at least 2 1/2 hours between day time feeds, up to 3 1/2 if she's ok with it, to make sure she takes a full feed each time; I try to make sure she gets put down for a nap after 2 hours maximum or she'll go nuclear, and in the mornings sometimes she can't go more than 1 hour before the eyes start glazing over and the grumpy 'I'm tired Mum' whine starts up. The bedtime routine starts around 6pm and she's usually bathed and fed and in bed by 7pm. But apart from that, we make it up as we go along!

And for us, it's working out pretty well. She is mostly a happy gorgeous little girl filled with smiles and laughter, funny vocalisations (the latest is a growl), who loves being with and around people and out in the world. She goes to sleep really easily at night and during the day now, and whilst we are still working on getting her to sleep more between the hours of 1 - 6am I know we'll get there. I'm still massively sleep deprived, some days more than others, but on the whole I'm managing it. I look forward to bathtime every day as no matter how hard a day it's been, we always have a fabulous time - I hop in the tub with her and we splash, read books, I give her kisses and she drools on me, I bounce her up and down in the water and she giggles like crazy, and there's loads of singing and cuddles and eye contact. We often nap in bed together duirng the day, Sophs falling asleep above the covers cradled in my left arm, my face next to hers, her milky breath soft against my skin. She loves an afternoon snooze on the sofa in my arms too and I love studying her sleeping face, perfect little lips open and a soft sweet snore emanating from them!

Time is still mercurial slipping out of my fingers. The weeks just disappear, I really can't explain where they go to or how I've filled them, but they just slide away. It's an exciting time as Sophia grows more and more into her own little person (the whole nature/nurture debate I'll save for another time!) and I'm more confident, finally, in being her Mum and meeting her needs. I understand postnatal depression in the first few months, it's a crazy unpredictable topsy turvy world you find yourself in, and it can be overwhelming at times, but you can get through it, and as you learn more about your baby and yourself it gets more doable and enjoyable. And I have to say, all things considered, I am loving being Sophia's Mum!

Our home pc has died. Again. This is about the 4th time in 2 years, and I don't think we can patch it up or upgrade it any more. It's not even on its last legs, it's well and truly keeled over. We had, luckily, backed up most of the data up to August, but photos and stuff from then were not saved. I had uploaded most (not all) of Sophia's photos to online albums, but there was a load of video of Sophs on there that's gone gone gone. Bugger.

So, we're computer shopping. I, erm, didn't hand my work laptop in when I went on maternity leave so we've at least got connectivity. Oh, and I've lost all my emails and email addresses - please could you email me at the home address (the btinternet.com one, which is the same as the btopenworld.com one, don't ask me how it just is!) so I can email people, cos I can't remember anyone's address. I can access webmail now.

Technology, making your life easier.

So much to say, so little time....

It's been a tumultuous few weeks, many ups and downs as I've been sifting through and trying to make sense of all the thoughts and emotions running through my mind. I've come to a conclusion: I am blessed. For all the low days where I wonder what on earth I was thinking wanting to be a Mum and how much more challenging it is than I ever thought possible; for all the incredible, joyous, perfect moments of beauty, wonder, laughter, intimacy, love that warm my soul and make my heart sing - I know that I am blessed to be a Mum to my precious little girl. My life is how it is because Sophia is in it, and given the choice, I wouldn't have it any other way.