Top 5 things NOT to say to a heavily pregnant woman:

1) There is no way I could put myself through the extended agony of childbirth, it's terrifying to even think about the pain and what childbirth does to your body, by the way how are you feeling about it? (yeah really looking forward to it, thanks, did you know I'm a masochist in my spare time)
2) Oh my god how many do you have in there? (...and a partridge in a pear tree)
3) Your baby must be huge, how are you going to get it out? (well I was thinking of tying a piece of chocolate to a stick and dangling it near the exit - if s/he's anything like her mum s/he'll be out like a shot)
4) Oh you are so going to need to have stitches when that comes out (If you keep saying things like that you're going to need stitches)
5) Oh you've got at least another 3 weeks to go, your baby is still sitting too high (why don't you just serve me my coffee and I'll get the opinion of someone with a medical background).

Look, there is no going back, I will be experiencing the process of birthing my child, and I will get through it one way or another because I have no choice but to get through it. I've heard enough birth stories to know that God is a man, I've heard what happens, and I have no qualms about screaming my head off or demanding drugs. But that doesn't mean I want to hear you voice your own fears or thoughts about something that I am shortly going to experience for myself. Please, spare me your wisdom and just stay quiet!