If someone says to me 'you think too much' I take it as a compliment. Information is what I do, it's how I respond, cope, manage, problem-solve, negotiate my way from one day to the next. I like to know what all of my options are, at all times; be a good girl scout and be prepared. Society ably assists in this by operating on the 'hurdle model' - you encounter a problem, you research it, spend time on it gathering information and ultimately, hopefully, resolve what was before you and overcome the hurdle. It's a model applied daily across the globe and provides a structure for getting through daily life as well as the sometimes tricksy situations you find yourself in.

But the question I've recently started to ask myself is can this model be applied to parenthood? I've read a number of parenting books now, most of them offering conflicting advice - put the baby on a routine from day 1 vs carry your baby in a sling 24/7 and immediately respond to its every cry. Breastfeed vs bottle feed. Disposable nappies vs washable ones. There is information in abundance on every single possible aspect of practical parenting. As I read some of the books offering advice on how to care for your baby, more and more I find myself thinking 'but what if my baby isn't like that/doesn't do that?' Surely there is as much individual difference in babies as there is in adults? This is all so new and unfamiliar to me, and it's all too easy to consider others the 'experts', but this little voice at the back of my mind has been raising the volume on questioning what I've been reading.

I have slowly, slowly come to the realisation that, for me, I need to change the way I have viewed the world and lived my adult life, that my life philosophy might not apply completely to the next stage of Stu's and my life's journey with our little one. That I need to open myself up to living in uncertainty, in ignorance, and (shock!) not necessarily knowing what to do, that my baby is not a series of problems to be fixed (crying? do this; squirming? do that), but rather a little person who I need to spend time with getting to know, to learn what provides comfort for him/her, to discover what sort of temperament s/he has, to learn how to interact with in a whole new way.

I am completely re-evaluating how I had been planning to care for my baby, and have realised I want to re-learn the ability I must have had once upon a time just to be, to observe, to be curious and open-minded as to the possibilities. I need to resist the temptation to 'do', to stack up the tasks and accomplish them, to cross things off lists, to achieve. And you know what? It's scary to acknowledge that I won't necessarily know what to do all the time. But...as I keep telling myself, I will learn, I will trust my instincts, and it's ok to not know what to do, and just to be for a while. I'll be back in the whirlwind world of work and study and information and achieving before I know it, but now is not the time for it.

Information is still important to me, it always will be, and I hope I will have enough brain cells left in a sleep-deprived brain to use it to guide me through the practical, tangible side of mothering. I have a list of things to try when the baby cries, I have techniques on positioning for breastfeeding, but the rest of it? The comforting, the nurturing, the ability just to be, observe, interact and open myself up to learn about the little person I have been blessed with to be able to raise and nurture...watch this space!